No one is more away of demons, than an unbalanced mind…
My greatest struggle with my condition has always been overcoming inertia whenever I was in a low or high. It is easy to understand this in a mania since it is euphoric but even my depressions which are characterised with apathy, lethargy and escapism, feels oddly comfortable.
I recall all my manic episodes vividly.
There is a sense of invincibility, heightened productivity, happiness, fearlessness and freedom that is addictive. But that is my perception of it.
In reality it is just me being irrational, argumentative, hyperactive, impulsive and audacious.
On the other hand, in a depression, I majorly withdraw from the world, ignore my responsibilities and priorities and retreat to my safe space which is fantasy media: novels, movies, series.
You can’t defeat your demons, if you’re still enjoying their company
This is why, more than 10 years since my diagnosis, I still find myself repeating the same patterns albeit with less frequency and intensity.
My trigger has always been stress.
It always is.
For everyone… stress is the cause, everything in the body is inflammation.
And I am well aware of all the right things to do to manage my condition; from sleeping early and getting 8 hours of sleep, to changing to a healthier diet, exercising, managing relationships and sticking to a routine.
But what is this inertia, this resistance in changing my habits.
It is not denial, at least not anymore I accept I am bipolar…
It is not ignorance… clearly
It is not wilful defiance, at 33 years old nobody is forcing me to make this changes, in fact I always start to implement these transformational habits but always stop as well…
It is not poor strategy because I understand the science of habit breaking and forming.
So I assume that it must be because I don’t really have a strong enough why, I don’t want it bad enough- I am not desperate, yet.
Well, I am now… enough is enough, Ezugo.
I am no longer bipolar, yes I said it. I am healing. Not because I think my genes have changed but I will do what is necessary to prevent the expression. I will transform my environment and myself.
I exorcise myself and embrace the fact that I can retain the positives (feeling euphoric and invincible or safe and engaged) without succumbing to the negatives.